Is this real life?

Unfortunately I lost the notes I took during my last ladies lunch but these are the few bits I remember:

• My new friend admitted that one time she told a guy she loved him while hooking up...she did not love this guy.
• Another new friend and her boyfriend are dealing with a haunted vibrator; a little bit after they turn it off, it turns back on, falls to the floor and bounces around like a rogue football.
• Seven suspects that a guy she was seeing was only moving so quickly so that they would get married and he could stay in the country...is this a romantic comedy?

Gotta love Monday afternoon chats.

Love much,

Lavender

What If?

I'm sort of a contradiction when it comes to love. I would consider myself a hopeless romantic but also a cynic. I blame romantic comedies and the staggering divorce rates.

I find myself thinking, "I'm young, how can I know what I want for the rest of my life?" and "Yeah you're happy, but so were all the divorced couples you know when they first got together."

My conscience has yet to fail me so I try my very hardest to always listen to it. I think of my conscience as a completely different person entirely, who knows me better than anyone in the entire world, and always speaks the truth.

So imagine my surprise as I was walking home the other day, thinking about Duckie, when an honest, genuine, thought from deep within my gut came to me. It wasn't, "What if we break up?" It was, "What if he is the one for me?"

You know I finished that walk home with a goofy grin on my face.

Love much,
Lavender

Deal Breaker or Room for Improvement?

Everyone has (or should have) their relationship deal breakers. These are the big ones like doesn't want kids, doesn't practice the same religion as me, lives in a different country. Then there are the easy fixes like doesn't put dishes in the dishwasher, has too many shoes, doesn't always call when they say they will.

But what about those qualities in a partner that fall in the middle of deal breakers and easy fixes? Things like doesn't communicate well, doesn't share the same passions, isn't supportive of your life goals. They aren't big enough to end a relationship over, but they take a little bit more work than, "Hey babe, can you please clean up your shit?"

It's easy to break it off with someone who has done something terrible or is 100% incompatible with you and little things can certainly be improved upon in a healthy relationship.

When do we stop trying to fix the relationship and call it quits? My first thought is to say, "Well if you truly love that person, that you can work through the hard stuff." But I hesitate because love isn't always the end all relationship fixer. We all know there are the people that 100% love and care for their partners but are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. So love can't be the answer.

I suppose it is one of those things that we have to take day by day. I truly believe that we should be individuals first and partners second so I imagine if a characteristic of a partner isn't allowing you to be the best possible version of yourself, that's when it becomes a deal breaker.

This is obviously a lot easier said than done. Everything is more difficult when you're in the middle of it. What do you think? Have you been in a situation where you weren't sure if you were facing a deal breaker or something that left room for improvement? Let me know with a comment or two.

Love much,
Lavender

♪:"Pusher Love Girl" by Justin Timberlake

Cosmo Challenge: Patient

In an effort to mix up my sex life and keep things interesting, I have decided (and Duckie gleefully agreed) to undertake the challenge of completing all 20 moves in the "20 Sex Moves for Every Mood" article in the March Cosmpolitan. Hopefully I can persuade you to take your sex life in your own hands and never settle into a routine. Wish me luck!

15. Patient: When you want to draw out the experience (or if you've got a streak of masochism in you), try stop-and-go sex. How it works: Bring yourselves to the brink, then stop. Don't move, don't grind, don't do anything, for at least 30 seconds. Then resume your activities, and repeat the stop-and-go two more times. Delaying your orgasm makes the release feel superhero powerful.

Duckie and I were camping so naturally, that means we were having sex. What better time to have long, drawn-out sex than while out in the wilderness with nothing else to do? (That reminds me of this hilarious SNL Weekend Update clip about the effects of Hurricane Sandy [skip to :26])

I didn't tell Duckie I wanted to do this until, well, the exact moment I wanted to do it. I admit, I might have scared him when I said, mid-sex, "Hey, let's play a game!"

This "game" wasn't exactly dominos at your grandparents house, but man was it exciting. We did the stop-and-go three times. It was so hot to hear Duckie tell me "Okay, okay stop!" whenever he got close. And I got to sexily count to 30 in his ear as we lay there tortured.

"Superhero powerful" was the perfect way to describe the consequent orgasm (kudos to Cosmo). This "game" is perfect for the couple that tends to finish too quickly or find themselves going through the motions of sex.

Have you tried this move or others like it? What was your experience like? I'd love to hear your feedback!

Love much,
Lavender

Cosmo Challenge: Stressed

In an effort to mix up my sex life and keep things interesting, I have decided (and Duckie gleefully agreed) to undertake the challenge of completing all 20 moves in the "20 Sex Moves for Every Mood" article in the March Cosmpolitan. Hopefully I can persuade you to take your sex life in your own hands and never settle into a routine. Wish me luck!

13. Stressed: Orgasms are tension busters, so after a hard day at work, pull your guy close and whisper, "All I want is for you to make me come." Hello. When there's a problem, men like to fix it, so you're making him feel like a total stud while getting yours at the same time.

Stressed, yes. After a hard day at work, no. The situation was a tad stressful but not because of any exterior stresses; the sex itself had become the source of stress.

Now, this may come as a shock to some of y'all, but I am blessed with a boyfriend that gets me...there...every. single. time. So imagine my surprise as Duckie and I were making love on my balcony (this part was fun—try it!) and I couldn't reach that peak of pleasure.

I figured this was just about as stressful a situation as any for Duckie, so I did what Cosmo instructed. I whispered in his ear, "I just want you to make me come." To which he replied, "Oh I do too!"

Unfortunately, it didn't happen for me that night. I'm not sure what the problem was. It's literally happened for me every other time I've had sex with Duckie. Any suggestions? Leave me a comment or two, would ya?

Love much,
Lavender

Sexual Chivalry

The topic of chivalry is often brought up when discussing a guy's dating style, but what about chivalry in the bedroom? Is there such a thing? Jasmine, Seven, Coco and I talked about just that during lunch today.

It came up as Seven was describing the different attitudes of the guys she has slept with. One particular guy who is a few years older than us that she is seeing is rarely very sexual with her. She says they've only had sex once and the usual extent of their sexual experiences is a good-night peck on the lips.

"Maybe he's just really traditional?" we offer.

"Something's got to be wrong with him if he's not trying to have sex with me," says Seven. She explains that his unaffectionate manner is starting to worry her and making her believe something is wrong with her.

Trying to help out a friend, I tell Seven about my experiences with Duckie. I realized recently that it was always me initiating sex. I know he loves it and is glad I make the first move, but it's a little disheartening being with a guy who doesn't have his hands all over you at all times. (FYI-I told Duckie that I wasn't going to initiate sex for the whole weekend and that if he wanted to make love, then he would have to take control...it totally worked.)

Coco seems a bit taken aback by our stories and says jokingly, "Oh man, y'all have got to meet my boyfriend then! I'll let you borrow him!"

It doesn't take much for Coco's boyfriend to make a move.

"Sometimes I'll just be sitting there and I do this *flips hair a bit while turning head* and my boyfriend's like 'Oh...babe...'"

Jasmine, on the other hand, is still reeling from the experience with Mr. Serious (see: Ladies Who (Talk Sex at) Lunch) where she got oral on the first date.

And who says chivalry is dead?

Love much,
Lavender

Cosmo Challenge: Relaxed

In an effort to mix up my sex life and keep things interesting, I have decided (and Duckie gleefully agreed) to undertake the challenge of completing all 20 moves in the "20 Sex Moves for Every Mood" article in the March Cosmpolitan. Hopefully I can persuade you to take your sex life in your own hands and never settle into a routine. Wish me luck!

14. Relaxed: Slip into a hot bubble bath together. Sit between his legs, with your back against his chest. He can reach around and give you some manual loving while you grind up against him (gently). Water will definitely slosh on your floor, but you're Zen, babe, so cést la vie.

Duckie and I tried this directly after our mutual rub-downs (see Cosmo Challenge: Romantic) so we were already veryyy relaxed. I must have had some sort of goofy smile on my face as we moved from the bedroom to the bathtub.

I poured some aphrodisiac bath salts and bubble bath into the tub and we slipped in. Both of us are tall and my bathtub is not but this position of me with my back on his chest worked great.

We didn't last long in the tub and didn't do much touching either. We were both just so relaxed and enjoying the intimacy of the night. But the bath definitely added to the romanticism of our night together and made it about more than just sex.

Love much,
Lavender